Grips Blue 33

well. i like it i guess but poetry isn't supposed to hit you in the face with the message, it's supposed to suggest it. maybe take out the last 5 lines and end it with a good line or something.

also i don't see why it's important that you're going to practice or that you grap the straps of your bag. every line in a poem needs to have a point.

also i think you were trying to achieve an effect by breaking up the lines but it just makes it seem like you don't know what you're doing. try putting each thought on its own line then read it outloud to yourself and see where you feel like there's a break. if you have one word on a line it should be really really important. if you do that a million times then it's not emphasizing anything.

also it's implausible that you immediatly lose confidence after seeing a bump on your finger enough for you to walk more slowly.

this isn't the first time you notice imperfection in yourself, is it? so you can't show in the poem that it is (at first you're confident and then something happens and you're not confident)

in my opinion, you need to condense. what are you trying to say here? make every line important. don't hit us in the face with the message of the poem.

and how about some less superficial flaws?

i don't mean to be harsh, but i hope this helps. i spent 2 years in a class in middle school that was all about this kind of writing and it's hard stuff.

Call of Duty 4 - Team Deathmatch 33 (W1200)

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